What happens if you make your happiness a priority?
And what if every moment of every day you weren’t waiting for good things to happen so that you could feel good? What would happen if you made yourself happy, right now, circumstances be damned?
If you’re like me, and like most people, that feels… well, bad, for lots of reasons. It may feel guilty, irresponsible, selfish, hedonistic or ridiculous. Maybe it feels impossible.
Well, it’s not impossible. And it isn’t irresponsible, selfish or hedonistic, either. And however impossible or fruitless that endeavor might seem, I promise you that once you take a step in this direction, it unlocks a world of possibilities you never saw before.
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln
We’ve lost touch with our own happiness, let alone how to create it.
There is a huge industry in helping people find happiness, from therapy to drugs and alcohol to fitness. And on top of that, pretty much every industry tries to capitalize on this not-enoughness feeling most of us have. They promise us happiness with new clothes, new gadgets or a new experience.
What’s missing, though, is the notion that you don’t need anything to be happy. Sure, the drive and need to find happiness is there, but it’s all being outsourced. Not to say that you shouldn’t go to therapy, ask for help or buy yourself those shoes, but don’t forget that no one can ever actually heal you emotionally.
Only YOU can heal you. Other people and other things can help, but they’re guiding you along. At some point, consciously or subconsciously, you make the final verdict.
And, even better, you have a lot more power than you think to create your own happiness.
How to bring happiness into your life.
There is no simple answer to this question. For simplicity, let’s separate out the quest for happiness into two main avenues: one for a lifelong program, and one for moment-to-moment life.
We tend to think about happiness and the pursuit of it only in the latter. And we should, of course. This includes everything from planning our life goals, like going back to school or starting a family, to managing our mental health, by way of meditation, therapy, or a 12-step program.
But happiness isn’t only a large quest. Happiness is something that you can arrive at with a whole lot of little steps taken in the right direction. They might seem trite in the moment, but it’s part of a larger picture.
Even moreso, these little moments can be deceptively powerful.
So while you can and should have a long-term plan for finding happiness, don’t overlook the opportunities in the present moment. And by “present moment” I don’t mean generally, like what day it is or what job you’re working, but right now. Like NOW. What’s going on? How do you feel?
This avenue towards happiness is what I’m dealing with in this post, and it’s found very simply:
By finding better thoughts. Not great or even happy—just better.
Better is the road to happy.
Emotions are managed by controlling your thoughts. Thoughts cause emotions, and often we don’t even know those thoughts are happening. We have anywhere from 25,000 to 80,000 thoughts in one day (depending on who you listen to, but it’s still a crapload), and most of those are both negative and repetitive. Oh—and subconscious. Joy, joy.
It might take some practice. It’s difficult to even understand what makes you feel good, as it might be wrapped up in needing to fulfill other obligations. Be kind and slow with yourself, and know that just trying to take control of your happiness is a victory in itself. Be easy with it, and eventually it will get better.
Why we don’t create our own happiness more often.
One of the main arguments people make (my mind likes to make it also), is that it’s not possible to be in complete control of your happiness. The mind can assess the situation of life right now, and assumes what the maximum amount of happiness is. This assessment, however, is based off of the current outlook, which is usually shadowed by a belief that outside circumstances control your happiness.
Therefore, the thought of just making yourself happy usually comes back with an argument of, “Well, how happy can you be? Your max is only here. Until you get XYZ and ABC, that’s the way it is. So why bother?”
8 things that happen when you create your own happiness and make it a priority.
Once you do take control of your happiness, your life will open up in many ways, big and small.
If you play video games, or any digital game, you probably are familiar with how you can “unlock” things the more you play and accomplish: levels, characters, gear, or any extra items. Creating your own happiness is like that. You can’t see the full picture until you take a step in the right direction.
1. You realize you’re in control.
Helplessness is one of the worst feelings, and it only fuels further depression. Even if you are in the same situation, having even a little bit of power over your mood is monumental.
2. Solutions to problems start to appear.
When you’re feeling bad, what do you do? You tend to relive whatever injustices or circumstances got you there. It helps validate why you are you are, but it’s also unproductive. I’m all for a good rant, but only to the point where it allows you to shake off that anger and move on.
When you’re feeling good, you’re more likely to look at possibilities and opportunities. You’re more likely to problem solve. That means that instead of dwelling on why your boss fired you, you’ll be looking for new jobs or career paths.
This is why when people push to just “take action” on something, it’s not always a great idea. Taking action is necessary, but inspired action is what you’re looking for. You get inspired action by putting your feelings first, building confidence and hope, and then being able to see possibilities.
A solution may come out of nowhere, or it may come from your hard, inspired work. Either way, it’s movement.
3. You find joy that you never saw before.
This is almost a cliche at this point, but it bears repeating. Joy isn’t always riches and getting the job and finding love. Sometimes it’s looking at a beautiful painting or snuggling with your cat.
Anecdote time. When I was in college, I wasn’t great emotionally. I was pretty lost and needy for validation. I tended to focus on all the parties I wasn’t invited to, or the friends I didn’t have.
Yeah, I know. Fun, right?
I went to Italy for a semester. And nothing changed.
I thought that this was my chance to meet people I finally clicked with, and to explore new areas. But even in the midst of this gorgeous medieval city, I had the same amount of blahness and depression.
I brought Under the Tuscan Sun with me, and while I thought it would be redundant, it wasn’t. If you haven’t heard of it, it was the memoir of the late 90s. It followed the author, Francis Mayes, as she bought and restored an Italian villa in Tuscany. Very first-world-problems, but beautiful and delightful. And like any memoir of that vein, it’s not full of lasting conflict, but appreciation of the world around you.
Through reading that book, reading her momentary observations, it allowed me to see all the beauty around me. And I know–-I was in Italy. I mean, it’s not hard.
But honestly, if you’re in a bad mindset, Italy won’t solve it. You need to let in a little appreciation, and then you’ll start to see the endless beauty around you.
4. Your problems don’t seem so powerful and important.
Once you put your feelings first, you realize that you have control, and your problems are just opportunities to find solutions. They don’t control every aspect of your life, and they’re an opportunity to move forward.
Martin Seligman, renowned psychologist and founder of the school of Positive Psychology, talks about how those viewing life through a pessimistic lens see problems as personal, pervasive and permanent. But we can train ourselves to see problems as what they are: isolated problems, that have no bearing on what you can do in the future or who you are as a person.
Optimism isn’t slapping a happy face on it. It’s training your mind to challenge these ideas and pick new conclusions and thoughts.
5. You stop caring what others think.
If you’re not putting your own happiness first, then you’re putting someone else’s happiness first. It might be your boss, your mom, or even just an imaginary authority figure. If you’re putting your own happiness first, then it really doesn’t matter what others think so much, does it?
Of course, you’ll live in the world as a human being. You’re not crazy. But you won’t need to bend over backwards for people that don’t deserve it, or to serve some imaginary idea of worthiness you’ve subconsciously created.
6. Your goals become clearer.
If your happiness is first, then going after your personal goals is a lot easier. It won’t be a chore, but a pleasure.
7. Stress goes away.
Stress is the result of being responsible for things outside of your control. If your priority is your own happiness, and you create that happiness, you won’t have stress, because everything that’s important is 100% your control.
Is this 100% true all the time? No, of course not. But most of our stress can be downsized and managed, and a practice of making your life joyful will strengthen your ability to deal with and minimize stress.
8. It’s not just that you feel better–-your capacity for joy increases.
They say the universe is infinite, and yet it’s expanding.
How beautiful an idea is that?
I love it because it’s a wonderful example of the limits of our brains and understanding. When we think of space, we can’t think of their being a limit to it. If it’s “expanding,” then the first though is, what is it expanding into?
Nothing! It is its own container, and it’s growing! It sounds like a contradiction, so we have to understand it in other ways, philosophically or scientifically or otherwise.
Your joy is like this. It will expand and expand if you let it. You can’t see the limits of it. The best you can do is open your heart up to happiness and watch your life unfold.